Not As I Remember

I remember the day I went back to my elementary school.
I had been out of eighth grade for quite a few years.
I wanted to go back and visit some of my favorite teachers.
From the outside the building looked exactly the same.

Yet on the inside, the walls seemed as if they were closing in on me.
When did the hallways get so narrow?
When did the rooms shrink?
The bathrooms that were far away were only a stone’s throw from my old classroom.

The hallways used to be so long.
The library used to be so large.
The desks seemed to be more like miniature dollhouse pieces.
My elementary school used to be so big.

The house that I grew up in seemed to be so perfect.
It was just the right size.
The street was long; the distance to my friend’s house was quite far.
Until I went back to my old neighborhood.

The house was much smaller than I remembered.
The street seemed shorter than the one in my memory.
The distance to my friend’s house that seemed so far was really very near.
The trees were larger and fuller.

Nothing was the same.

There are lilac trees planted next to our deck.
Their fragrance fills the air and brings me back to my childhood.
They were my mother’s favorite flowers.
She would often cut lilacs from the garden and bring them inside.

The house was filled with their fragrance.
The plump blossoms were bursting with color.
Everything about them said Spring and Home.
Everything about them is etched firmly in my memory.

Except now I am grown up.
Now I am years away from the street and the house and the lilacs.
To keep part of that memory alive, I now have my lilacs in my yard.
This spring the fragrance of the lilacs was incredibly sweet.

I sat with my husband on the deck as we had our dinner.
I was looking at the lilac trees filled with blooms.
My mother used to cut lilacs and bring them in the house, I said pensively.
Her lilacs were so much bigger than the ones on our trees.

You were just a little girl then, my husband said in his man of few words way.
He was right.
I was just a little girl.
My memory was a little girl memory and I am not a little girl any more.

Isn’t it like that for most of us?
We tuck something away, so sure it will remain just as we remember.
We forget that years have passed and time has gone by.
We have changed.

The hallways are the same size.
It’s just that we have gotten bigger.
The distance to the house of a friend is the same as it always was.
It’s just that we have longer legs since then.

Lilac blooms seem so large when we are small.
Our memory stays cradled in childhood.
Yet we have moved on.
We have left Neverland and have grown up.

We hear the ticking clock and we run.
J.M. Barrie understood this when he wrote Peter Pan.
One must grow up and leave the nursery.
One can’t go back because we don’t fit there anymore.

And we just can’t get used to being here
Where the ticking clock is loud and clear
Children of eternity
On the run from entropy (Andrew Peterson)

Entropy: a process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder.
Entropy is a result of the Fall.
Everything that was once very good has become marred because of sin.
We know that, we feel it in our very spirit and we try to run.

Children of eternity on the run from entropy.

We surgically enhance and chemically peel.
We nip and tuck and color and highlight.
We run from the inevitable.
We don’t like that the hallways are shorter and the houses are smaller.

We run.
We beat the air.
We try to outsmart time.
We try to stay in Neverland and never grow up.

The clock is ticking.
Another breath is breathed.
Another year has passed.
We are alive.

We are to embrace the changes.
We are to cherish each memory making moment.
The memories are precious and treasured but they are memories just the same.
We wind the clock that can only run a week between windings.

We know that change is inevitable.
In those changes, we find new and exciting adventures.
As long as the clock ticks, there are adventures.
As long as the clock ticks, there is Kingdom work to be done.

Learning from the past but living in the present.
God is a God of now.
Now is all we have.
The present reality of Christ.

I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation. (2 Corinthians 6:2)

Now.
Not someday in the future.
Not some memory in your past.
Now is the day to smell the lilacs, the sweet aroma is leading you Home.

You are a child of eternity.
Slow down.
Take a whiff of the fragrant air.
Now breathe deep as the clock ticks.

 

2 responses to “Not As I Remember”

1. Love this post! It brings back so many of my own memories, or is it that today I am one year further from them? One thing I remember is my parents’ deep love for God that they instilled in me; this has stayed and grown and gotten me through the ups and downs of my life. Thank You, Lord.

   Reply

   • Sue,
     What a blessing! Memories are precious gifts.They are part of who we are. They are part of our journey. I am grateful that God helps us to keep them in perspective.
     Gina

     Reply