Extra Baggage

I met a friend for coffee.
Actually, she drank coffee.
I am in my late fifties and never even tasted coffee.
People find that hard to believe but it is true.

Tea is my drink of choice.
When we met at the little coffee shop, I chose iced tea instead.
We both had a cranberry scone.
Three hours later, we got up from the table.

Three hours seemed to fly by so quickly.
Three hours that covered every topic imaginable.
It was a refreshing morning.
It was the kind of morning that we women need every once in a while.

Women share so much common ground.
Women thrive in community.
Without that connection, women can feel very lost and alone.
We women need to support each other.

This woman has a son that will be married in a few months.
We talked about marriage.
We talked about how we met our husbands.
We talked about our first argument.

I had not thought about it for quite a while.
However, once it came to mind, I could see the entire scenario play out before my eyes.
I cannot believe that this small thing was the cause of contention.
Yet when I think about the essence of marriage, I can see why.

Marriage is when a man and woman become one.
Oneness has its challenges.
Oneness is really two single people choosing to build a life together.
Even in choosing oneness, the two married people are still individuals.

Two individuals with different upbringing.
Two individuals with two different perspectives on just about everything.
Two individuals with unique pasts.
Two individuals with different gifts and abilities.

It is the meshing of these two lives that is the essence of marriage.
It is compromise.
It is being one while still being the person God created you to be.
It is a daily balancing act.

I was an only child.
My mother kept a very neat home.
Everything had a place.
It was expected that I put things away when I finished with them.

I brought that upbringing into my marriage.
It had its benefits.
It also had its downfall.
Two people are never quite ready for the little things that will be a source of contention.

We had a one bedroom apartment in my favorite place with the Amish buggies.
I loved our little apartment and quickly made it our home.
My husband moved into the apartment in June to be closer to his job.
I moved into the apartment in October after we were married.

He seemed to appreciate the woman’s touch that I brought to our home.
I know he appreciated my cooking.
It was easy to take care of such a small apartment.
It was the bathroom that caused the problem.

I was raised that everything had its place.
I was raised that you put things back when you were finished with them.
He was raised in a house with eight children.
Sharing bedrooms and one bathroom was the norm.

He kept things neat but it was the toothpaste that was our problem.
There was a mirror above the bathroom sink where I kept those things we needed each day.
However, many mornings, the things he needed were left out on the sink.
I would get dressed after him and noticed everything still where he left it.

I would put everything away in the medicine cabinet.
At night, when he would brush his teeth, the toothpaste would be out on the sink again.
In the morning, after I finished getting dressed and ready for the day, I put it away.
This went on for quite a while.

I never said anything to him about him leaving his things on the bathroom sink.
He never said anything to me about putting his things away in the medicine cabinet.
Until one morning.
I heard my name said with a different tone.

Stop moving my things, he said in a tone that I was not used to hearing.
I like my things around me, he said not leaving much room for discussion.
Sharing a bathroom with siblings, he was used to things being out on the sink.
Being an only child, I did not have to share the bathroom with anyone.

Trying to keep his voice from sounding too annoyed, he continued.
Every night, I put the toothpaste on the sink.
Every morning the toothpaste is put away in the medicine cabinet.
I like the things I need to be on the sink where I can get them every day.

I could feel my throat tighten.
I could feel little girl tears ready to trickle down the side of my cheek.
I want to keep the bathroom sink neat, I said.
That’s what my mother taught me, I added for emphasis as if that would end the discussion.

You take good care of me.
You have made this apartment our home.
I want my things left on the bathroom sink where they are ready for me to use.
Please, do not put my things away in the medicine cabinet any more.

I realized then that there were two distinct ways of doing things.
There was his way and there was my way.
In order to make this marriage work we needed to find our way.
We needed to acknowledge what each of us brought to the marriage but also do some sifting.

We needed to sift through those things that were not important.
We brought baggage to our marriage; every couple does.
We needed to unpack our individual baggage and repack a new suitcase.
We needed to lighten the load by tossing away the non-essentials.

Whether it is toothpaste on the sink or something else, you need to unpack your suitcase.
Put down the baggage you are grasping with a white-knuckled grip.
Lay it down.
It is not a matter of keeping score; it is a matter of compromise.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.(1 Peter 4:8)

Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:2,3)

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Pack a new suitcase.
Fill it with humility, gentleness, patience, kindness, forgiveness, peace, and above all, love.
Tuck the old, individual suitcases in the back of the closet.
Make sure they are empty.

The two have become one.
The baggage you carried with you into the marriage is part of who you are.
It has its place.
However, it is the new suitcase that you carry going forward.

We argued over toothpaste.
It seems ridiculous now.
That argument was necessary in order to move forward.
We have both learned to compromise and not keep score.

You do not want to fill your new suitcase with score cards.
It does not matter.
You are still individuals, but you are also one.
That tension will always be there but with God’s help it can be mastered.

After thirty-five years of marriage, our things are still out and ready to use.
The two suitcases are in the back of the closet.
They are empty.
Our one suitcase is still going strong.

2 responses to “Extra Baggage”

1. There was his way and there was my way. In order to make this marriage work we needed to find our way. – without any doubt, this is one of the key principles for marriage!

   10000 Thanks!!!!

   Reply

   • Carlos,
     That balance is the trickiest to maintain.
     Without God’s help it would be impossible.
     Gina

     Reply