Watching Our Words

You’re such a good artist, the mother said to her little boy.
I watched him as he was drawing on the paper place mat.
He was so proud of himself as he wrote his name in large letters with a red crayon.
He was showing the server his artwork when she brought their food.

I’m a good artist, the little boy said confidently.
Yes, you are, the server answered.
Yes, he is, his mom agreed.
I have his wonderful drawings on our refrigerator, his mom added.

If pride could make a little boy could grow an inch, then this little boy was certainly taller.
His mom’s words affirmed him.
His mom’s words encouraged him.
His mom’s words told everyone within earshot that her little boy was an amazing artist.

I thought of my psychology classes in college.
I thought of a concept that always intrigued me.
It was the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
The concept is not only true for children but applies to adults, too.

Self-fulfilling prophecy is any positive or negative expectation about circumstances, events, or people that may affect a person’s behavior toward them in a manner that causes those expectations to be fulfilled.

Words matter.
Words can build up.
Words can tear down.
Words can affect the way we see ourselves.

That same day, I saw the opposite affect of words spoken carelessly.
I saw the face of the child who received those words.
I saw his whole demeanor deflate much like a tired balloon.
Words tore him down in an instant.

Can’t you do anything right? The angry voice asked, not expecting an answer.
I wish I was by myself because you are so annoying, the voice continued.
The little child was pointing to something that caught his eye.
The adult that he was with would have none of it.

You get on my nerves, the angry voice added.
You’re going to go home and be in your room so I can have some peace and quiet.
The child seemed to be shrinking before my eyes.
If there had been a rabbit hole that he could slide down, I am certain he would have slid.

Two children.
Two kinds of voices spoke to them.
One child seemed to grow before my eyes.
One child seemed to shrink right in front of me.

A poem hung on our refrigerator when my children were growing up.
Every time I opened the refrigerator door to get something, I saw it.
I still remember what it said.
The words burrowed deep into my heart.

If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,
They learn to love.
If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

(Children Learn What They Live, by Dorothy Law Nolte)

Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem was first published in 1954.
The poem was distributed to millions of parents by a baby formula maker.
It was hung on refrigerators and printed on posters.
It clearly showed the contrast, as I witnessed the affect of words on two children.

I thought of the children.
I thought of the way they were either positively or negatively affected by words and tone.
I pondered something as I walked away.
Does this apply to adults as well?

How easy it is to be annoyed at the people we see every day.
How quick we can be at dismissing them when we are tired or busy.
How careless we are with our words when we are in the middle of something.
How unaware we are of the effect that our mood, tone, and words have on those we love.

Self-fulfilling prophecy applies to them as well.
We can build them up.
We can tear them down.
We can affect the way they see themselves.

I read the Little House on the Prairie books to my daughters when they were young.
Ma Ingalls gave some wonderful advice to Laura.
The advice went straight to my heart.
The advice was repeated when my own children were young.

If wisdom’s way you surely seek, five things observe with care: of whom you speak, to whom you speak, and how, and when, and where.

Why do we tend to save the best of ourselves for people outside our home?
Why does our family tend to get the leftovers?
What if we changed our tone?
What if we used different words?

What if someone recorded us so that we could hear how we sound on any given day?
What if we were able to watch the dailies each evening of all that we said and did?
What if we built up more than we tore down?
What if we realized how much our words matter?

Who should really get the best of us?
Who actually gets the best of us?
Would we be pleased if we saw and heard how we acted towards others?
Would God be pleased?

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

When my children were young, we played music in the house and in the car all the time.
A series of albums by Steve Green, called Hide ’em In Your Heart, were favorites.
The songs were Bible verses put to music.
It really helped my children (and me) hide God’s Word in our hearts.

I thought of a song we used to sing in the car when my children were small.
In fact, the song and the verse are still tucked away in my memory.
The affect that words had on those two children are still fresh in my mind.
I got in the car and found myself singing.

Father, help me build up, not tear down. Help me use words that put my loved ones in their best light when I speak about them. Help me see others the way You see them. Help me use words that bless others and glorify You. In Jesus’ name.  Amen.